People, upon finding out that I have five children often ask how I do it. I just stare at them blankly. I have no response. I simply don't know, nor am I sure that I even do "it." I remember running through my days, frazzled, trying so hard not to forget something that will have dire consequences. I am fatigued. I show up, I do what I've got to do, I go to bed. If I'm lucky, I find time to eat. I try to be everything to everybody while caring for a 2-month-old fussy baby when I'm not at work.
I hate putting something up on this blog that could be a rant. But in the interest of being real and truthful, I am going to do it. It is now 12:47 a.m. my time and I just finished this journal entry:
"It's a crappy way to start the day...since it is 12:12 a.m. but I feel so bewildered, fatigued, resentful and mentally worn out. I am positively overloaded. I am trying so hard to be Supermom. My lack of attention to any of them seems to affect them so profoundly. But I am running myself thin. Literally.
Take the day before what is now yesterday (6/10). I started the morning early by attending the appt. for one of my children's psychologist. That took for nearly ever. The I came home in enough time to grab my bags and head to work. While I had been at the appt. my parents began to give the baby one of the two 8 oz. bags of frozen milk I had for him. I asked that before they go into the second 8 oz. bag that they consider giving him a small amount of formula as the last 8 oz. bag is all we had left. Then I rushed off to get fast food and head to work.
While at work, my left breast became engorged. I pumped both breasts for a grand total of 7 oz. Usually I get four ounces from each side but the left side, despite it's engorgement only gave out 2 oz. So, when the workday was over I pumped before I left work, on the left side, and I got another 3.5 oz. and the engorgment subsided. This all gave me a grand total of 10.5 oz.
During the workday I received a call from the husband who was testing the waters about possibly going out that night to his friend's house to help him build his new bed. Erg. The resentment was building.
My own night agenda, on the other hand, was to come home, take care of kids and baby, churn out a paper for school and somehow pump whatever milk I could.
Upon coming home I found out that both of the 8 oz. bags of milk had been used and I felt a dread that is fast becoming familiar--that my baby's demand is exceeding my supply.
My husband didn't end up going out due to his profoundly bitchy wife. Later in the evening I was able to pump another four oz or whatever.
Yesterday, which I still want to refer to as "today" I went to work and my parents gave my baby the 7 oz. I had pumped the day before. Big sigh of relief, as he didn't polish off the whole milk supply storage. While at work, I pumped another 5 oz. which gives us a grand total of 12.5 oz for him when I go to work later today.
In the evening time, the husband was irritable. I can't say that I blame him. I also can't seem to comfort him either.
And..now...going into today, B3 has his kindergarten graduation at 10 a.m. that I need to get to before I head to work. B1's sixth-grade graduation is at 6 p.m. and I am going to try to get there in time coming home from work.
Meanwhile the pet dog's neuter voucher came in the mail today and I need to find time to call and make his appt. as the voucher expires 8/15/08.
Luckily I got my school paper written and turned in earlier in the night.
As for eating, the only true meal I got was dinner. Earlier I subsisted on coffee, more coffee and a few bites of yogurt and a couple hunks of banana chocolate chip bread that a co-worker gave me that she didn't want to eat.
The house, of course, looks like shit and smells like piss. The husband is stressed because the baby doesn't give him a break in the hours between the time he comes home and the time I come home. And family members are getting their feelings hurt because the baby cries relentlessly while in their care.
No pressure little guy. He is only 2-months-old and dealing with the fact that his main source of comfort leaves him for 7 to 8 hours a day.
All of this...all of it, is on my shoulders. My husband helps with the manual stuff, like making dinner and doing laundry. He also shares in the baby-holding duties. On top of working full-time.
But the mental, "Remember this, call this person, make this appointment, don't fail school, nurse baby, pump food for baby, keep on everyone's asses to do their job"--yeah, that's all mine.
And because I don't want the baby to feel everyone's pissy vibes, I feel like I have to protect him when I am with him. I choose to hold him so Daddy can get a break and he (the baby) can get some time in with me.
Meanwhile, no one is doing what I would otherwise be doing, namely, cleaning nor are they, in the case of my children, doing their part, that is, clearing the table, cleaning their rooms, getting rid of linens they may have wet on the night before.
I am alternately forgetting things and obsessively remembering to other things---Pay this bill, check the checking accoutn, buy this. But I forget what and when at the time when I am finally where I need to do it.
It's all too much and I can't keep up. Me, who loves to be busy, is overloaded and ready to break. I find myself impatient, frustrated, irritable and finally, depressed.
So...people ask how I do it. Do what? Run around, frazzled, ready to have a nervous breakdown? Well I guess that just takes talent and a lot of stress. The other stuff is managed with a lot of caffeine. Honestly...I don't know how I do it. That's why I have no answer.
Wow - are we twins?? lol, I also always get asked "how do you do it" and my usual answer is 'lots of caffeine' because I just can't come up with anything else lol. What you've written here though sounds exactly like me (except for I don't have a job away from home). Ooooh how some days I wish I did just to get away from the chaotic circus I call home lol.
Posted by: Jessica | July 09, 2008 at 09:39 PM