The blog entry in which I prove how mental I really am...

I have no idea what is in the water but everyone at my house is going loony-tunes.  This is no joke.  Dylan is stressed out, Lucas is ultra-distractable, Cassidy much more demanding, Skyler is acting out more and Phil and I are worn out and depressed.  I'm thinking we need a whole family makeover.  The only person who seems to be thriving is Isaac.  This is due to the discovery of his acid reflux issue and the prescribing of the miracle medicine, Zantac. 

Maybe it's the pollen in the air. Or the economic downturn and chaotic times we are living in.  Maybe we need to change our diet or get more excercise.  Maybe it is all these things and more. 

I'm not a fan of uncertainty or not being able to find out information.  It bothers me and rubs under my skin.  Case in point:  I realize I'm depressed.  I feel blah.  No, scratch that.  I feel BLAH-DIDDY-BLAH-BLAH.  I then get worried, "Shit, I'm depressed.  Now how I am going to fix this?  I don't like this feeling and I want it gone right now.  Why is it happening?"  Well, that sounds like a good way to approach depression right?  I am bringing some logical thinking into the picture (Hooked on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worked for me).  Now...around the time I am on the fifth round of this barrage of self-interrogation it has completely lost any sense of being a healthy response.  I have now shot myself into complete neurosis.  Meanwhile, the kids are acting just as wild as they always do, but now....now it's under the microscope.  Are they being worse than usual?  It seems like it. Well...of course it seems like it.  Everything seems, well, magnified once under the microscope.  This is thanks to my OCD that I could not escape inheriting since I am just one little branch off a massive family tree of anxiety disordered individuals.  Nearly half of my family (on both sides, thanks Mom *and* Dad) spend their days obsessing about our trunk health, re-checking the hydration level for safety purposes, and living in fear that the squirrels are going to bring diseases of unknown etimology to our green parts.  I am working the symbolism tonight.

On my way to work today, I told myself to stop analyzing and just go with it, reminding myself that I'd find my rhythm once again.  My mental barrage slowed and things seemed to be dying down.  Until one of my co-workers mentioned today that she senses I've lost my joie de vivre.  I've also lost my mind, but that seems to have escaped notice.  Although it was nice to have someone touchdown with me on my mental status, I have to say the comment didn't exactly have me beaming sunshine out my ass.  Although not much does anymore, alas...

But I can't hang with this gloomy gus bullshit so I came up with a plan:
I have decided I am going to write down all the things that are bothering me on one big list.  Then I'll flush it and let the landlords deal with the clog.  Only kidding.  (Wow, my eyes nearly twinkled at the thought of being a rascal, I just might be on to something).  But once done with the Bug-a-Boo list, I am going to start a daily list in my planner of those little itsy bitsy things that make life fun, entertaining, and enjoyable. 

My logic behind this plan is that perhaps our modern self-help gurus are right.  No, I don't read that stuff.  But you can't help but hear about it right?  I mean it's everywhere-on their blogs, in the magazine articles that they write and even on Oprah (which, of course, I don't watch) when she interviews them and then that interview mysteriously shows up on your DVR. Really, you can't escape it.  Shut up, it's my lie and I like it. 

Anyway, these people, some of which actually have the proper training and experience to back their teachings, have said that when you focus on something, it becomes bigger in your mind.  I already know this is true with negative stuff.  But what about the good stuff?  In essence, I should be able to focus on the good shit, (like that time when that bitch was driving like an old lady in front of me, forcing me into another lane and then floored her gas pedal and sped past me and she ended up getting a ticket---ohmigod...good times) and it should grow bigger in my head and I will be my piss 'n vinegar self again.  Right?

Maybe it will even make my hassled self feel like life is worthwhile.  Is that too lofty of a goal?  Because honestly, don't know if I could take the failure in stride at this point.

Stay tuned, or whatever.

Comments

[Franis]

The career counselor author Barbara Sher has an interesting recommendation similar to what you've come up with here. (Obviously, great minds think alike!) She has people write down their complaints in a "bitch book." She's also noticed that complaining, per se, can be elevated to an art of funny...which you're very close to in your blog posts. (They are a hoot! - whether you mean them to be so or not.) Something in your posts about the confessional tone and the willingness to slog through what most people try to ignore - by writing about that you have elevated it to this heroic tone...and this is very funny.
So, since you're already doing it, you probably know that putting one's complaints "over the top" until everyone starts to laugh...this is a very constructive thing to do with the Urge To Bitch. It also feeds the delicious Urge To Wreck Havoc... Then we get up and get back to work.
Eloquent Bitching isn't an excuse - it's a lifestyle. You can quote me on that. ;)

[Jennifer Spedowfski-Martin]

Francis,
Wow! Thank you for this comment. I actually never got around to having a bitch book. Or a funny book but I have made it an effort to make myself move and act and not just deliberate about everything.

I sincerely appreciate your words here because it affirms for me the whole reason I continue to blog and write...to share with others about the insanity of life, but to leave with a smile on our faces!

Best wishes to you,
Jen