I sometimes get my best thoughts at two times:
1-When trying to fall asleep
and
2-When I'm commuting
Both are poor times to have a revelation. But yet it happens and I've often thought of having post-it notes stuck to both my dashboard and my headboard. But I forget to do that too.
I've been knocking myself upside the head for...oh, about six months now because I can't complete, finish, remember a lot of things. But I really think I've reached my tipping point in terms of children. There's five of them. Three of the five are in school. Of those three, they go to two different schools (elementary and junior high). I work part-time, but that job is a 25-mile commute one way (which is fine because it gives me time for revelations).
I also go to school part-time. It's online, but that doesn't mean that I still don't have papers to write or chapters of stereo instructions text books to read.
I used to say I couldn't stand being bored. I would bring a book with me everywhere I went in an effort to keep from going insane by neuron inertia. I'm so busy now I don't have time to be bored!
And for a long time I thought, "Push through it." "It" being the pain, the fatigue, and the lack of motivation to get something done.
But five is definitely the tipping point and I have to say, the focus is now on working smarter, not harder. Simplifying what needs to be done. No more pushing. Somethings will have to idle.
But this might lead to letting people down and this is the revelation I had today during my commute to work:
It is almost physically painful for me to feel like I've let someone down. I hate it, and will avoid it at all costs.
But here's the rub: I didn't make those expectations of me. I'm not even responsible for these expectations. I didn't sign a contract that said, "I will always be on time. I will always be centered. I will always know the answer to your question within three seconds of you asking me."
Expectations, as far as I can tell are based upon past experience. I expect this because I experienced that. So it is a human way of gauging what might be coming down the pike. But the problem with that is we are human. Human natures varies. Widely. Within the same person. During any given moment in any given day due to outlook, personality, and experiences.
This all reminds me of a horrible time in Oregon where things were just falling apart and I had to take the medicinal approach to calm the 'eff down. I'm not sure what the clinical definition of a nervous breakdown is, but I do know the Jennifer defintion of a nervous breakdown, and I was having it.
At any rate, I kept repeating, "I've let people down. I've let my co-workers down, I've let my parents down, I'm letting my kids down. I've let you down." (This was said to Phil). And I had this epiphany. Alright, maybe it wasn't really an epiphany but rather just a little thought, but it seemed huge in the mental state I was in. I looked up at Phil and said, "Holy crap, I have far too many people to keep up!"
When it comes right down to it, the people I have to keep up are hubby and my kiddos. I'd like to not let my parents down as well. I trust these people. They have my best interests at heart, and I their's.
Anyone else, other than those 9 people are just a bonus. If I manage to somehow keep the other people in my life up and they are happy, cool beans, the tide is in my favor. If not, it's not really my problem. Complements are nice. Criticism sucks. I think I won't let either one sway me one way or the other too far from my center.
Which leads me to another point: When you let someone's complements lift you up and you can't truly trust that person with your best interests, you are opening yourself up to let their criticism hurt you as well. It is just the way it is. In this regard...if it ain't your loved ones (those people in your life that truly love and accept you), don't take it to heart.
I think what I'm really trying to say is that I can understand why someone might have expectations of someone else, it's normal human behavior. However, we are not responsible for those expectations. They are assumptions. They are a gamble. You may win big or lose hard. It's the stock market. And as well know, that can drop like a rock one day and then start to levitate the next.
